I made Shrimp, Brussles Sprouts, Ramen noodles


Some sense of winter upon us; I got up on Friday and the back deck thermometer read 13 degrees F. Since them some coolness out. Today, Sunday, sunny, maybe 50 degrees, a day off from work, Jim at home, too.

Wednesday evening, after work, out with Joy, Alan, Vicki to a red-neck bar in Lyndon, Illinois (population 600) for food and beer; then, Thursday, the day off, turkey at home for Thanksgiving with Jim. Time whizzing by in increments of weeks, paydays, come and go. Plants, tender ones, have been moved inside to sunny windows; a trial to find enough sun for Helenium seedlings, doing the best I can.

Not much from my kids...a quick chat with Lauren on Yahoo from time to time but no depth and she often wanders off, parental duties, so I mostly give up. Matt phones from time to time and that's nice. Odd calm--like bordem--this weekend off. The kitchen sink leaked so Jim fixed it, leftovers for dinner because the sink was in the repair. He's so quiet it's like being alone, only a constant din of tv in the living room, crime drama, doctor shows, me at my computer, the day goes by. To bed early tonight as I will get up early to get off to work.

near mid-November, a day off...rain coming

Ascelpias (butterfly flower) seed fluff

The second of two days off from work in a row. I raked then hosed off the back deck, a clean slate, moving this year's pots to the garage...it looks good. A second, rare second cup of coffee just now, normally only a wake-up cup. The sky is slatey, grey, rain coming, not brrrrr! cold, about 60 degrees F.

Not so depressed today as idle. Some "exile" sense again, strongly, my southern Californian connections rearing up. Lauren's Meg is four years old today, a party for her on Sunday; it'd be nice to be there...or on a beach, some place with vistas.

Minor dilemma: I planted Helenium seeds in September, they sprouted, but I'm not sure they can survive outside; inside, difficult to find a place for them with good light. I planted three Lowe's bargain, end of the season daylilies yesterday, called "Final Touch" pink, yellow, green throat.

what happened to October?

Obama Elected! I'm so used to waking up from election eves to utter dissapointment, it's an unusal, even caustious feeling I have. Stem cell research, a belief in global warming, some possible curtailment to wars, inclusion, global community, they seem within grasp.

The first snow flurries today, some vast, plentiful, as I entered Hy-Vee super market; winter's here. My tender plants have been brought indoors, squished in the few bright windows available...orchids and epiphyllums from Matt, others, geraniums, I hope they find some comfort and prosper.

Work as always, weary just now from a string of openings, up at 4:30am to awaken, have coffe, get to work by 6:30am.

Kids afar, Lauren and her family are just back from Orlando DisneyWorld, a sort of annual Rosenbaum Family reunion; Matt, built a new elegant greenhouse for his orchids, his enthusiasm so pleasant when he talks about his plants, their color and fragrance; that's good for me to hear. All of them voted for Obama, Lauren for sure, but my feeling that for Matthew it was "iffy" but he did it and did it for the right reasons.





Last month a trip to Chicago, the Art Institute, the "Bean" at Millenium Park, Frank Gerhy Pavilion, too, with Jim, the roommate, a very nice trip via Amtrak from Galesburg to Chicago, roundtrip.

sliding past August...

Muscatine Musk Melon, a local tradition

Well past the center of August, "high summer" has gone by a bit, the days are noticeably shorter, nights are coming on sooner. The tomatoes, Brandywine, Green Zebra, Russian Krim, Cherokee Purple, Better Boy, Yellow Boy, have been fruitful and outstanding...and Zinnias have been popping open everywhere, spectacular! Some dread at winter coming, another winter coming, that season, joyful at the start, first snow, chill, turns horrible at the middle, endless, dark.

I'm off work today and tomorrow, still foot weary, my hours too long, I work too hard. It takes me a day to recover enough to make use of the second day off, so today, I mowed the lawn well, watered the garden, and sat a lot playing with Flickr. Alone most of today--Jim's off playing cards with friends--I'm amazed often at my capacity to be alone or nearly alone. An odd flow of life these days, from prior days of beach and sun and something of family and friends; now, it's different, just work mostly, or rare excusrsions with friends from work, last week to Clinton, Iowa for Wide River Winery then over to Fulton, Illinois for pizza and beer, then, what seemed a long haul, to Lyndon, Illinois, population 600, for the rest of the night in a karioke bar, red-necks partying-up, boycotting Budweiser because it's gone "Communist". So very out of place yet comfortable. The intensity of being "alone" is often so much more severe when I'm in a crowd...that ancient sense that I'm different, don't belong, out of place...I offer it up and move on, smile a lot, and drink an "American" beer--Coors.

My age--or aging--worries me. None of this easy. Seven or eight years in Milan, Illinois now with nary a plan to move "back" anywhere; mostly I don't know how to do it or suspect a worse environment. I think that one day a "spark" will hit me and I'll be off to California, announcing first to my kids, "deal with it!" Or how about Idaho or New Mexico, rural, snowbound, an artist--eccentric for sure--in a shack somewhere living on Social Security! Pretty, solo dinners, pasta alla putanesca or alle vongole in the midst of wilderness, some "pesto" of design, emailed to me from god-knows-where, or grown for myself.

Lauren phoned today for proof of my Illinois residency, for copies of my W-2 forms and Income Tax for 2004; Libby says she has a lein on the house for my "back taxes" unpaid, because I had no income from California for 2004. Somewhat resolved--I found my 2004 tax forms and will xerox that off to someone soon, but it sits me thinking of the long tenure here--seven or eight years--lousy wages and backbreaking work. I'm a pay check or two from homelessness and it isn't getting any better. Wow, and I'm down in the dumps.

Lovely photos, many of them, posted to Flickr...a spot of lightness. I need, maybe tomorrow--to put some order in my basement bedroom, throw things away, lots and lots. Make it homier.

...into July

Oriental Lily "Latvia"

Sunday evening, almost 10pm, home from work--seven days in a row--tomorrow, Monday off, back to work at 6:30am on Tuesday...all of that a little overwhelming. My feet hurt, just an achey weariness.

The photo is of "Latvia" (mentioned in the post prior to this one), planted very late in the season, the bulbs were sprouting, a few of them had aenemic bloom-sprouts, and into the soil, within a week, they had popped up, and the one pictured has bloomed, very nice. They should be taller!

I chatted with Lauren in Alameda; today was Cate's 5th Birthday Party, Matt and family there, some friends; next week is Kaliya's birthday, such sweethearts. I feel a little displaced, out of the loop.

Jim, the roommate, had the entire week off, vacation, while I worked seven days in a row...I think he liked that I was not around.



Midwest Sky, Morning

An overwhelming sense of "sky" here, often...the flow, the depth, the color, the drama of the clouds. This "exile" blessed with atomospherics...part of the tumult of mid-continent living, storms sweep down from Canada, or up from the Gulf of Mexico, or from the Pacific, and pass over, or play out, lightening, thunder, shuddering wind, at night, as day breaks, as waves from the west, or north, or south. It amazes me always!

lilies and hollyhocks


...too much work, days off sporadic, Monday and Tuesday to go, then, at last, I have Wednesday and Thursday off; my birthday is Friday, June 27; I'll be 65.

My garden areas are looking good. I've already had some home grown broccoli; the tomatoes will be very late this year, planting postponed many times due to rain. Many lilies are budding up this year and I planted a bunch more a week or so ago, several, maybe nine, called "Latvia" bright green with maroon markings within the flower, but others, too. Echinaceas have begun to bloom, regular purple-pink ones, a white here and there, a new orange-cast one called "Summer Sky", bought at Lowe's, not cheap. A new stretch of garden, just off the back deck is a mish-mash of annuals, cabbage, broccoli, roses, Lysimanchia punctata--Yellow Loosestrife--gladioli, daylilies, etc.



white trumpet lily with yellow throat

Summer's Here!

Homage a van Gogh, maybe


An odious exhaustion on this Saturday, the first of two days off from Lowe's. In the morning I pulled weeds from around the broccoli and cabbage and irises and lillies in the side garden. Oppressive early with humidity, my glasses sweated up so the work became tacile and inutitive rather than wholly visual. It got very warm. Into the house I had lunch--a salami sandwich--and dozed off. My next intelligence: it was thundering. A stormette, out of nowhere, up from Missouri, an orange-red dot spread over the weather map at Moline. It lasted 20-30 minutes, a monsoonal, gullywasher rain, and left. The sun came out. Oppresive heat returned.

Good plans, to plant the rest of my tomatoes, to plant lillies and gladioli I order from on line, well, that didn't get done. And I didn't make the most of an indoors day by going down to my studio and painting, either. Tomorrow, instead. The logic, the bone-weariness of work will have gone somewhat and armed with new energy, I'll plant and clean, and tidy up, wash dishes, do laundry like crazy. A slim sense of lonliness to day, not bad. I usually push that out with busy work, but today no tact to do that. Still smoking, I smoked and made a gallon of ice tea and played on the computer; photoed plants and puddles, and storms, and posted them to Flickr.

Beautiful here--just at that juncture when spring turns to jungle, a long string of tempid days, pleasant, breezes, spring buds giving way to full blown summer, like the tropics...I imagine.





Hostas, blue and yellow

I ordered a couple of books today from Amazon about how to build a sundial..for me, for Matthew, if it's too mathematically complicated, then just for Matthew. I've always wanted a wall sundial and not sure how to go about doing that...maybe as an emblellishment to a mosaic or a painting, an outdoors art work?

I wrote to Lauren tonight asking her advice for buying a Nikon digital camera, nothing too outrageously expensive, but something to expand that intetest; I really enjoy documenting life with the cameras.

Some deep pledge (inwardly) to stop smoking, Chantix useless, I need to ween myself...and to paint! A great space, all the supplies I need, and nothing gets done. If only for myself, I should paint!

I'm back.....

Home from the California trip about two weeks now. On return, right back to work the next day.

I'll post a family photo here before too long, in Lauren's photos, not mine. But my kids and grandkids looked fine, a sort of quiet happiness about them, smart, goodlooking, seemingly secure, good parents; they don't present worries for me, that's for sure.

A freaky six days (out of seven) of a warm heat wave, the Bay area in the 80s, up to 87 or 88 degrees in San Jose-Monterey area; Chinatown over the top, a place I like a lot, two of them really, San Francisco and Oakland. I bought some jade talismans, a small, floral Japanese rice bowl...$3.99. Monterey Aquarium exceeded my expectations, great flow to it, architecture, crowds, vistas, sea views, a lunch in Cannery Row easy, delicious, flowers blooming everywhere, natives and aliens, California poppies and agapanthus...brilliant day. At the Aquarium gift shop I bought a beautiful Tunisian serving bowl, marine themed, fish...carted in home on my lap in the plane.

Matt on the morning of his 35th birthday chomped the tips of three fingers of his left hand (he's left-handed) by sticking his hand into the running lawn mower...good treatment, quickly, a plastic surgeon reconstructed what he could and apparently there's a prognosis of a very good recovery, feeling, movement. The middle finger was bobbed, shortened and the finger nail grafted lower so it will look like a normal finger, but the same length as his ring finger next to it. It could have been worse. Great party for him, outdoors, catered Taco-frenzy, good, and drinks, a pinata, birthday cake.

My niece Wendy showed up with her daughter Monica, out of my life for 18 years or more and she was sweet, timeless, beautiful..warming for me to see her! All of us at Saniata's parents' for roast baby back pork ribs, steel head trout, potato salad, rice, fine wine, tarts for dessert, a wonderful, comfortable meal and gathering!

Julie, friend, fellow traveller, was an obnoxious pain in the ass, goofy, on pills for pain and everything else she could swallow. We've parted company.

I'm glad I went. I would like to have stayed longer. Maybe another trip in the offing, maybe in October. We ate Thai, and Mexican, and fish and calamari, and chowder in the sourdough crust...just a great trip

Matthew's Orchids--California

An ensemble of Matthew's orchids!




My son sent some pictures of his orchids in bloom. They are spectacular--mostly grown outdoors or in a small, rigged-up green house he's built. He says they will still be in bloom when I visit, sometime between April 7 and April 14. Some of them have strange, exotic fragrances; the large yellow flowered one, Matt says, smells like musk perfume. I don't think I've ever sniffed an orchid for fragrance--content some how that the visual beauty was more than enough--so maybe a surprise for me. Out of Moline on Monday afternoon, landing in Oakland about 8pm, Lauren has a nice motel reserved; Matt has an old pickup truck I can use in San Jose...the trips seems to be pulling together, shaping up. Good!

off to California....

Yesterday, hail, sleet, rain, snow, lightening and thunder; today 50 degrees F. and sunny. Aspects of spring, robins, maples and the poplar sprouting buds, it seems the shift is on...as the world turns.

I'm doing a quick trip to see my kids and grandkids in California. With work-buddy Julie, we fly out of Moline April 7, via Denver, to Oakland, and return on April 14...a quickie. A northern California trip, no time or money to see Rachel and the family in Santa Paula, maybe another trip in the works--longer--in October. So this one is about family, San Francisco, the beach (Julie has never flown in an airplane or seen an ocean), good food, with an eye ~maybe~ to looking for potentials places I might alight in some future life. I've never been much of a fan of northern California, spoiled by the Santa Barbara tenure. All of California an expensive proposition, that's for sure! "Famous Artist" might pay the bill, but not working at Lowe's. So, the trip is on my mind.

l-o-n-g winter (and still smoking!)

oh please come soon springtime!




Lauren finally got the results of her thyroid biopsy--initially, from her doctor, it was "inclusive"; so the specimen was sent out to Stanford Medical Center, and two weeks later came back as "negative", good news!

I'm still smoking! Still taking Chantix; one day it may click, come together, with some effort from me.

A cold, long winter, most of it twenty degrees below normal, lots of snow(!), the Rock River--under ice--swelling over it's banks; the I-280, the commuter freeway I take to and from work everyday, has been closed twice due to flooding. I ordered a couple of bareroot roses from Jung Seed online--a white, fragrant rugosa called "Blanc Double De Courbet", one of them, and another, a super hardy Buck's shrub rose called "Prairie Sunrise". Simple plans for a better garden this year, a new strip for perennials, annuals, tomatoes, baby watermelons, etc., sunnier than the garden beside the garage. There's an abiding inner-conflict about planting things here, mostly despised by Jim, and my sense of needing to move on, elsewhere, back to California, maybe to New Mexico, or Arkansas. An orchard-fruit and nut trees, elsewhere perhaps, someday; somethings, walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts, fecund beyond my lifetime...it causes some thought! Like--if pecans takes 10-20 years to make nuts, do I want to plant them, and maybe I should have done that ten years ago?

Phobic longtime distant buddy Jesse Gayer, Wilmington, California, emailed yesterday to "go to hell," over my having sent him an email to support Hillary Clinton's campaign. He supports Obama. This is not so much about political differences as it is about Jesse's sense of control, an almost meglamanical aspect to his personality--it isolates him from all but his family and a sort of one-mindess to them. I put Jesse on the "spam" list to thwart more emails and guess that's enough of him. He was never a good friend in any sense, exclusive, conditional, gay and in a very odd and protracted denial. But...like the deaths of old, people I know disappear, Walt vanished into unfathomable nothingness, Sal parts company, Ron, long gone, Roy dead, and more...I find myself more isolated, incommunicado, narrow and alone (especially living with Jim) and lonely. No major regrets with parting company with Jesse, but I do so little to cultivate friendships and new champions are not on the horizon. Work-busy helps, maybe painting or hiking would, too, but I tend to stay in, not wander, or connect with women not men. 65 at my next birthday, a daunting task to make friends.

....and STILL smoking...

Big, nasty snow most of the week with 9 inches on the ground...


I don't even make an effort to stop smoking; up early in the morning, I light a cigarette within two or three minutes of getting out of bed. Some news-blog wrote to me today and wants to use my "smoking" photo at Flickr to illustrate an article on a February 1, 2008 warning from the FDA that taking Chantix may increase the risk of suicide, and, for some, causes depression. For me, the problem is nausea; I continue to take Chantix but my hope is to only take it long enough to quit smoking, then dump the Rx.

Lauren went through thyroid surgery without complications; she's home, recovering. Doctors at the surgery said the mass they removed looked benign but apparently biopsies will come back later...she has an appointment with her doctor on Monday. I talked with her tonight and she sounded pretty good...

To work tomorrow at 1pm.

STILL SMOKING while I take the no-smoke Rx

The first day of February! I'm still smoking--regrettingly. Gernerally calmer the last few days or a week or more, but today, off from work, smoking all day, I'm antsy, ready to climb the walls. There's some strong relationship to the angst and smoking; the more I smoke the more anxious I become.

Lauren will go in for thyroid surgery February 5th., a small lump on one side of her thyroid--doctors have been watching it--and the opinion now is they will remove one side of her thyroid. My hope is it's not cancerous. I worry.

A trip half-assed planned to visit Matt and Lauren in California in early March has been re-scheduled for early April, a week or so.

I planted some hyacinth bulbs today in pot (3) and one in the glass jar. Expectations of spring fragrance before long.

STILL smoking! "Fa freddo oggi!"

Handsome fucker freezing to death


Some vacation time has come my way, five days, "use 'em or loose 'em," Lowe's said. Now, about me, time on my hands, sublime deep-freeze, minus temperatures over night, into the morning hours, highs for the day in the teens, that's cold; one of my "voices" yelling to me, "fa freddo oggi, stupido!" as I trudged, bundled up, outdoors, cracking through snow banks to escape the "cabin" lock-up.

Smoking less, but not stopped: cessation is coming, I feel it in my bones. How about making a painting or two with all that free time?

OH, STUPID...JUST STOP SMOKING!

I'm taking Chantix, an Rx to quit smoking. I hate smoking! It's essentially about addiction and habit, conditioning. I spend more each day to smoke than I do to eat (usually); to continue is an inevitible invitation to stroke, heart diesease, cancer, or early death; people I have known have died from smoking with heart diesease and lung cancer; no one I know and like smokes any more...I'm like the last one lighting up; my life is "quiet despearation" whether I smoke or not~smoking does nothing for me, it doesn't calm me down, it doesn't bring pleasure or make me "cool"; I smell like an ashtray! I must stop! I know some really stupid people who don't smoke and I'm very smart! What I spend each year on cigarettes could pay for round trip air fair and four weeks in Europe each year!

For a while, I'll monitor my path to quitting cigarettes here...

the NEW YEAR begins...

the sky this evening about 4pm


A week into 2008. I've decided to stop smoking again, Chantix, again. Chantix makes me feel mildly ill. This week, loyal to Chantix, I think I've had a bout with flu, too, fever, chills, nausea, headache, today diarrhea, I've missed some work, parts of days. Today should have been my last day of smoking...it wasn't! Tomorrow, or tomorrow after that, or a tribute to my deceased friend Roy Spoon, his birthday, Janaury 9th, maybe a good day to stop smoking forever.